Dear Wystan my love

You turned 100 days old not that long ago. Your not so tiny little body lying on my chest while I embrace your sweet baby smell. As I take in your baby features, I can still see the face when I first laid my eyes on you. My eyes spring with love hearts, but at the same time my heart is also filled with guilt.

Just as we were getting ready for bed, both you and your brother was crying looking for me. You were probably hungry or sleepy and your brother was having one of his tired emotional moments today. As you know, mummy only has one pair of hands and in that split second, I chose to soothe your brother. Even though you had daddy to hold you, it didn’t make much difference to your crying. As I tuck your brother off to sleepy land, I also listen to you crying helplessly.

Scenes like the above are on a constant loop everyday. I must admit, I chose to deal with your brother first because a 4 year olds temper is so much more destructive than a newborn/baby. You are still learning to self soothe and I know we will get there one day.

However, this doesn’t make it any easier for me. I feel this immense amount of guilt that I have left you to deal with your outburst yourself. How can I not feel bad for putting your needs in second place? In fact, from the time I conceived you, I haven’t been able to give you 100% of my attention. No antenatal training, no baby shower and no new outfits either. We were alot more meticulous when we had your brother, there’s a Chinese saying “老大照書養，老二照豬養” which loosely translates to: “The eldest is raised according to the book, the second is raised akin to a pig”. Please don‘t take this too literally, I don’t actually leave you in a pigsty to wriggle around all day! I’m sure there are similar sayings in English as well.

Will you blame me for being unfair?

Yet, I have a secret to tell you. As the second born, you are very lucky too. Since you were born, you were destined to have an extra person in the form of your brother to love you. Did you know, sometimes when you were hungry, you would eat your little fist out of frustration. And everytime your brother saw you do that, he would say: “Don’t do that, your hand is not yummy! Mummy, quickly come and feed Wystan, he’s very hungry!” Seeing his expression, I know your brother will always look out and protect you. He will also use his free spirit to guide you into understanding more of the world we live in. And probably even do a better job than me or daddy.

Your brother has also taught me a very important lesson. All children grow up at a blink of an eye. I have to constantly remind myself to savour each and every moment. I can just about carry your brother with both arms now and before long, I would struggle to hold you as well. So when people tell me I shouldn’t carry you so much, I will ignore them, because it won’t be long until you won’t need me to carry you anymore. When you wouldn’t want the constant cuddles. When I physically can’t carry you anymore.

You are now 3 months old, and there is absolutely no sign of you being able to sleep through the night. I try not to be impatient. I mean, your brother took more than 2 years to sleep on his own or through the night. Instead, I try to enjoy our time together in complete darkness feeding in the middle of the night. This is our time together in quietness and in peace. Because your brother has taught me that the time I have with you grows less as each day goes by. I treasure every second we have together. This feeling is much stronger than when I was going through the sleepless nights with your brother.

Looking at this through the eyes of your brother, isn’t this just another form of being bias or partial as a parent?

Maybe.

I shouldn’t worry whether I was being bias or not and neither should you or your brother. You two, are like my right and left hand. You are different, yet the same. I cannot measure the depth of my love for you two, because they are different, there is no comparison and no need to either. The only thing in common is that my love for you both will remain and never stop. Regardless of how your lives plan out or how different they may be, my love will remain constant.

I hope you will understand and forgive mummy for anything she has done wrong, everyday I am still learning to be a better mum to you and your brother.

Love from mummy, who will always love, support and be here for you and your brother.