When Girl talk becomes Mummy talk

I recently read an online article where the author was reminiscing her younger days with her girlfriends. She was reminded that they once talked about anything and everything but as time passed and they grew older, some had become mums. Whenever they would gather, their conversation and topics would never be far from their children. A few raised that all this “mummy talk” was an issue, but the mummies in the group just signed and said: “You don’t/won’t understand.”

I understand

What I want to say is; I understand, I really do, because I am also a mum. Not long ago when I became a mum, whenever my childless friends would discuss travel plans, shopping trips, beauty hacks, must read books etc. it just didn’t feel like I could relate anymore. I was so engrossed in protecting and raising this little human being that nothing else mattered.

Did I care about knowing the latest beauty tricks or fashion trends? No, I was quite happy just being able to shower alone, in peace and quiet and having clothes on that didn’t have any milk stains on them. Did I have time to read the next big thriller or watch the blockbuster that everyone was talking about? No, I was too busy pumping milk and simultaneously juggling my baby or reading how to get my baby to sleep, why he cried non stop and why his poo was green. I didn’t even watch any TV for the first 6+ months! So it was only normal that conversations with the people around me were to eventually evolve into talking about my/our kids after a few basic greetings and general chit chat.

It’s time for a change

I mean, thinking of it a bit more now, these were all warning signs. It was essentially telling me:

  1. The focus of my life is one-sided and leaning heavily towards my child.
  2. It is time to rediscover myself and to find my own pace.

I’m not saying that talking about your children is bad, I can talk about #JasperBean for a week without coming up for air! I understand the urge to talk about our little ones, the good, the bad and the ugly. We mummies bond over this and it’s ingrained in our DNA. Why I feel I needed a change was because #JasperBean was the main topic with my friends AND S (hubby). I can feel us drifting apart and not bonding on a deeper level. Obviously if someone asked me about my baby, I would be more than happy to tell them everything in between, but is that really what they want to know? Is there nothing else for you to explore and talk about? Am I nothing more than being my child’s mum? I admit, I have set myself up in this little predicament…

What I’ve learnt so far

Indeed, acquaintances can become friends, but nowadays, even meeting friends that I’ve known before becoming a mummy can be such a rare occurrence that sometimes I think: “Why can’t I abandon the mummy identity temporarily?” Obviously I do not need to completely avoid the topic of children, it’s impossible. Yet, there are many other things we can talk about as well.

  • It takes 2 (or more)

I’ve learned now that if I don’t want to talk about my child anymore, I just need to voice this out to whoever I’m talking to (without sounding like I don’t want to talk to them at all). And if it’s another mummy friend or S (hubby), we need to encourage and remind one another that being a mum is not the only thing that defines us/me. We have our own interests as well.

  • I want to be your real friend, not just a mummy friend.

When two or more mummies meet up, they automatically bond. We’re probably going through the same things or have been through them one form or another. We share our experiences and bond through our children. However, a meaningful friendship cannot be built on our kids. I love to hear about what your kids did, what they are going through or their pooping and eating schedule, but there needs to be room for “us” because if we don’t build on us, what will happen when our kids are old enough to fly the nest? Where does this leave us?

  • I want to know you.

Because you are interesting and unique and just because you’ve become a parents does not make you boring. I want to know about the things that make you tick, the things that interest you, the things you’re passionate about, the things that make you who you are, your dreams and your adventures. We already share parenting, so I want to know the wonderful things beyond this.

When Girl talk becomes Mummy talk

Don’t feel bad, you deserve it

When we temporarily abandon our mummy identity, this is by no means catering to the needs of others, but ultimately realising a mums life isn’t and shouldn’t just be about her children! They already take up so much of our world, the least we deserve is a chance for a break and engage in conversations and activities that do not involve them. Fundamentally, being a mum is about balance. Now that I am a mum, I find it even more important to add value to my life, to continue learning and broadening my horizons so that I can pass on these learnings to my child and indirectly broaden his world as well.

Some people say, being a responsible and competent mum isn’t easy. However, I believe being a responsible and competent mum who doesn’t lose herself in the process is even harder.

To all the mums out there struggling, I hope you will be able to find the strength to rediscover yourself and enjoy a full and happy life.

Are you finding it hard to cope, do you lose yourself in your offsprings? I would love to hear from you and support one another in the process.

Thanks for reading and until next time…

Love, MsMamaBean x


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30 comments

  1. Jodie

    Interesting way to think about this. It reminds me of the quote “you can’t pour from an empty cup”
    Jodie
    http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
    #DreamTeam

    Reply

    1. MsMamaBean

      We all get desperate as times and we all need to be kind to our bodies and minds. Once in a while we need to nourish ourselves in order to completely and wholeheartedly provide. It’s ok to be vulnerable, it’s not selfishness, because even mums can fail and say sorry… it’s ok.
      Thanks for visiting! X

      Reply

  2. thebunnyinthebush

    love it! balance balance balance. I really think it is the demise of the village that makes it so much harder to venture out in our non-mom life. Instead of just leaving the kid with the tribe members to wonder off with a friend, we have to hire a sitter… and it just snowballs into a stressful event instead of a natural occurrence!
    great post/topic!

    Reply

    1. MsMamaBean

      Thank you for dropping by! It’s so hard and stressful to juggle multiple things simultaneously as a mum that we lose ourselves. We neglect out own needs and don’t think we are important anymore. We need to make ourselves a priority again so that our children can also see how important we are and we are more than “just mum”. x

      Reply

  3. Ashlee

    I’m not a Mother yet, but I was raised by a single Mother and I know finding a balance between being a Mummy and everything else a challenge. As I am older now, I definitely make sure to give my Mum breaks from my siblings (:

    Ashlee | ashleemoyo.com

    Reply

    1. MsMamaBean

      Your mum is very lucky to have you. Sometimes when we’re older and have our own lives, we neglect our own elderly parents and this shouldn’t be the case. We should balance ourselves around our multiple identities. X

      Reply

  4. Ashish Mesepam

    I think these are great reminders for new moms. It’s important to take care of yourself and that doesn’t mean that you are neglecting your child. You can’t take care of someone else unless you are able to give 100% yourself.

    Reply

    1. MsMamaBean

      Yes, sometimes we are so focused on giving to others that we neglect ourselves. X

      Reply

  5. Shelby @ For The Love of Paws

    I am not a mom yet, but with family I definitely see this happening. They lose their identity and it’s sad!

    Reply

    1. MsMamaBean

      It’s sad in a way, but it’s also normal. I find it even more sad when I hear people who say the don’t want kids because they are afraid of this change. There are ways to deal with “issues” like this and not everyone will experience it. Being a mum is a wonderful gift. X

      Reply

  6. thatssodarling

    This is a very interesting post and very well written!

    XO-Lisa

    http://www.thatssodarling.com

    Reply

  7. SweetDreamer

    I love this. So much to relate to as a woman, and a mom. I used to get so annoyed when the women in my family would only discuss school activities, why they’re so tired, baby stuff, etc. Now I do the same, without realizing it. And being a STAHM means I am even less in the loop of the real world happenings than ever. Difficult to implement letting go of our new mom identity even if it’s for a bit, but I think we all need it sometimes.

    Reply

    1. MsMamaBean

      I totally agree. I’m still in the process of letting go but I know with each new step it will get easier and so will it for you. It will only do us good and doesn’t make us any less of a loving mum 😊

      Reply

  8. Lydia C. Lee

    It’s okay- even with teens half the time it’s still mummy talk. Or house talk. Worth getting interests beyond tho…good post #Dreamteam

    Reply

    1. MsMamaBean

      It’s so easy to get sucked into Mummy talk, and it is ok, just like everything else, moderation is key 😊

      Reply

  9. Alexandra

    Not yet a Mummy, but very interesting post.

    Reply

  10. Vanessa

    I notice that too! Even people who don’t have children and who know me start the conversation with “how’s your kid? What age?”

    Reply

    1. MsMamaBean

      It really doesn’t help if they start the conversation like that, right? It’s nice that they ask, but sometimes I wonder if it’s because they just too lazy to think of something else to ask. Haha

      Reply

  11. fromsizezerotowisehero

    Amazing post. Not a mummy yet but interesting read.

    Reply

  12. mummascribbles

    Gosh this is so true. I often feel like I have nothing else to talk about. Even when people ask about my blog I kind of flit over it. I could talk about being a mummy all day long but not a lot else. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

    Reply

    1. MsMamaBean

      It’s baffling to know that talking about our kids requires minimum effort but when think of things about ourselves, we struggle constantly as a mum? 😂 thanks for having me!

      Reply

  13. Stephanie | You Are My Son Shine

    It can be so hard to balance sometimes. I find I talk mostly about my children, but I am a stay-at-home mom, so that’s all my life is at the moment. A friend may discuss a job, taking care of the kids is my job. A friend may describe an outing, an outing with my kids is all I do. It’s hard to not talk about them when that’s the stage of life we are in.

    Reply

    1. MsMamaBean

      I absolutely agree, we all have stages that we go through in our lives and I was one of those who constantly spoke about my son non stop, so I’m not saying it’s wrong. However, we have multifaceted roles and this should be celebrated rather than just being branded as another mum. We are more than the label “mum”.

      Reply

  14. rika9

    I’m pregnant now, and one of the first things that struck me it’s how much everyone wants to talk about nothing but that. I mean, I appreciate being asked about what’s going on, and I do enjoy talking about pregnancy/baby stuff sometimes (and sometimes I need the info). But I also still have opinions on music and video games and have things I want to do or make or places I want to go to. And esp when being pregnant isn’t feeling great, I want to get distracted from that for awhile.

    Reply

    1. MsMamaBean

      Aw Hun, I know how you feel and I hope you feel better for the rest of your pregnancy! You’ll hear the word “it’s a phase” or “it’ll pass” a lot from now 😊😅. It’s great that people are celebrating the fact that you’ll be taking on another role in your life, but if that’s not all you want to talk about, then make it known that you are more than that. Being a mum is great, but I try to not lose myself in my sons identity.

      Reply

  15. Christina | From Under a Palm Tree

    I’m in the stage in my life where my friends and I are all growing up, getting married, and having kids. We’re still a mixed bag but I even find myself catering to the mommy talk and I’m not even a mom! I just talk about my nephew with my mom friends so they can have someone to relate to. This is definitely an interesting subject that I hadn’t thought too much about, probably because I’m not a mom. I wish I could talk to everyone about my dog but it’s not the same. I think it’s all an adjustment no matter who you are. But it’s definitely important to still have an identity that’s not just the mom title.

    Reply

  16. Irene Wanderlusters

    I am not a mom yet, but I have been an Aupair for a long time. I got very involved with the kids and sometimes it was hard to find the balance. Letting the kids have their own time helps both of you.
    All my friends are getting married or thinking about starting a family, but we need to also talk about different things and keep things as they are for that transition.

    Reply

    1. MsMamaBean

      Yes! We all need personal time, even kids 😊

      Reply

  17. Caitlyn Mefford

    Love this! I am recently married and not a mommy yet, but I love mom bosses! Thanks for this encouraging post!

    Reply

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